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DRYING UP OF FIG LEAVES CLOTHES; REFLECTION ON WOMEN
| by Beverline Ongaro | Friday, March 5th Tags: |  |
It is easy to push for things to happen than to try and figure out why they are not happening. Push for this by way of persuasion, if it fails then embarrassment and disdain is employed. Failure of these then the use of force and constant reminder that things have not happened the way they ought is the last resort. There is nothing new under the sun. That is true. When women think they are emancipated that they can live their lives free of societal pressure to meet certain standard, the thinking is just a dream and a sort of chimera. Women’s Day, on 8th March comes in between Valentine’s Day and Mother’s day. These three days especially the latter two celebrate a woman for having satiated the societal expectations, which are in relation to heterosexual relationships. Let us consider the situation of a woman who is not a lover/wife or someone’s mother, to illustrate this point.
In the course of my work and social life, I found that –I would not want to spar you with data- a single, childless woman is considered incomplete; she is urged and advised to get married or at least get a child. This is regardless of her achievements, social standing, character and her contribution to society. Her marital status will always be broached up, overtly or subtle. Any woman of a certain age is usually referred to as mama. Need I remind you of how former Member of Parliament Nicholas Biwott, addressed a fellow MP, Honourable Martha Karua, as mama, in the 8th August House? Mercurial and eloquent Martha put matters in perspective, when she corrected, she is the Member of Parliament for Gichugu. You can be certain no male MP has ever been addressed as baba.
In daily public sphere women are called mama. You may ask what the big deal is. Well, there is nothing wrong with being called a mama by strangers. It is a sign of respect. But then, mama is someone mother! The address lays ground for other questions. Why is she not someone’s mother at her age? People will ask or whisper. While the pressure from family is acceptable-in the sense the family members expect a woman to transfer family genes and ensure lineage through naming rites, but when the same comes from non-filial associations it’s not only saddening and intrusive but paves way for overt discrimination. The underlying notion in these pressures and suggestion is that a woman should be owned by a man or should have been owned at some point. No woman should be free.
The question as to whether a woman can be appreciated for her intrinsic value as an individual needs consideration especially as we mark Women’s Day. The reality is that her value is ‘elevated’ when she is married or cohabiting with a man-same sex relationship is still frowned upon in this society and perceived as invisible- a single and childless woman learns this truth the hard way. In work environment people wonder what she does with her money and free time which she seems to have in abundance, so it is presumed. In social gatherings people chatter on about their children and wonder why she is not married hence locking her out of the conversations. The world at large tends to perceive her as defiant who has refused to be owned. By all necessary pressure and reminder she should be made to comply with the norm.
Next comes in messages from self-motivation gurus how to get in a relationship with a man, even if it is ephemeral, the point is that a woman should at least have a story about some man one point in her life. The media also joins in the fray with its messages disdaining singleness of women, especially for those who are leading a chaste lifestyle, vapid topics such as, ‘virgin at 25!’ come in roll, to make sport of them.
These messages wrapped in pressure are eldritch; they don’t seek to find out why women are or choose to lead a single, because the society is scared of the hard reality! Most societies are patriarchal in nature; always in favour of men. Women do come in to play a second fiddle. Such has been the case before the advent of capitalism but unlike capitalism, which owns the labour only, patriarchy is covetous as it owns both the labour and the labourer, in this case women.
Capitalism albeit, its greedy nature has enabled women to meet their needs hence the necessity to marry in order to obtain financial support has declined therefore exposing the true nature of patriarch. It has also enabled women to reflect and think of themselves as persons with intrinsic value that transcends their role or part in society often defined as either mother or wife etc. In the course of my work, I have noticed with immense interest that men do not introduce themselves as husband and father alongside their professional training. Where men make know that they are fathers or husbands/partners it is often in meetings whose theme and nature are family oriented. What about women? It is as though they have to prove they are all rounder and their families are not ‘neglected’ in their pursuit of their dreams, careers and hobbies.
Women should be valued for their intrinsic worth. Both women and men irrespective of their marital or relationship status need to be involved in creating and maintain paradigm shift, from valuing women on account of their status and exhibiting societal definition of what is feminine, to the fact that they are human beings endowed with intrinsic value, dignity and worth. This shift will enable women who are mothers and wives/partners to throw off the unwarranted societal fig leaves designed for them and carry out these roles happily, devoid of unnecessary blame and expectations. Such as she was not a too good a mother that is why her children turned out the way they are-mtoto asipofunzwa na mamaye, hufunzwa na dunia,(when a child is not disciplined by its mother, the world will discipline it)- or she is not a good wife/partner that is why the spouse strayed.
Let us reflect on this fact as we look forward to Women’s Day, that when one member of society is unnecessarily burdened then we are all not free. In this regard I do implore you to consider the undue demands placed on women by society in different spheres; political, social, economic and cultural. These are fig leaves clothing. The sad fact is that our society is naked; the fig leaves it has clothed itself are slowly drying up to expose its naked, wrinkled and infirmed body. Let us accelerate the drying up of the leaves.
Have a happy and reflective Women’s Day.
*Author is Program Officer, Men for the Equality of Men and Women and Advocate of High Court of Kenya.
Yeah well said!
Bev and Sophie,
You are right. It is quite annoying in the simplest of terms. The other day I was also saddened to hear people (women included) in a certain discussion state that a woman is more responsible when she is married as compared to when she is not. This is a fallacy, for I have seen and worked with many single and unmarried women who are far more responsible and focused. Whether one chooses to get married or not is simply a matter of choice and should not be a weighted to the value of a woman!
Hope you all had a great Women's day and are enjoying your womanhood for this are our times!
Well said!
Bev this is so incisive, the social pressure put on women more so young women is enormous. We were talking with a colleague a few days ago how easy it is to be labelled as a woman, more so on family isses, we were wondering about the double standards where if a man gets older (by definition of the society on the 'sell-by-date') and he is doing well financially he is labelled a 'elligible Bachelor' the man to look out for; and when its a woman, then its more of 'you see she cant get married' etc. The annoying part is that people who 'give advise' have no idea on your plans and why your plans and decisions dont fit their own definitions. Women need to be valued for their instrisic value as human beings, not what they are perceived to give, and more so women should not give in to pressure to do what is 'right' from the perspective of the society.
Happy Women's day!