I was having a discussion with a couple of my friends on the role that women and men play in relationships and then the topic of sex came up, and how relationships work with or without it. I was the only female in the group and was out numbered but that did not stop me from engaging them on this. They shared that it is impossible for a relationship to work if a woman is not willing to “give it up” to her man. They said it is important that women know how to satisfy their partners for the relationship to last. They insinuated that regardless of her emotional state or if she was tired she must “perform”.

I was really worked up about some of the things, ok most of the things these guys were saying. They were all between the age of 22yrs-26yrs and their mind sets, I would say was already tarnished. They assume that regardless of the woman’s needs, likes or dislikes it is her role to please her man. They further went on to say that women who are “too loud” are usually left single and lonely. This got me writing and reflecting on my community, my larger environment, my country and Africa as a whole.

I feel that the Kenyan society has not embraced issues around sexuality. A young woman discussing sex and issues around her it is usually considered promiscuous and way out of line especially if you are in a male dominated space (which is majority of the spaces we find ourselves in). for me sexuality refers to how people experience the erotic and express themselves as sexual beings. Sexuality and Sex I believe, go beyond the physical, it is emotional, cultural, political and even legal if you look at it in all its aspects. It is diverse as it involves the heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, inter-sex, bisexual and also autoerotic sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of out personalities whether we realize it or not.

Sexuality and sex is part and parcel of our lives. As young women we take ride in looking good, being loved, affection, attention, making and giving love. If for no other reason then we should openly talk about how we would like this to happen, where you would like it happen and when you would like for it to happen. This way we have some control over our bodies and can make decisions around them. I feel that me embracing my sexuality as a young woman will also help love and appreciate my body in all its fullness and all its glory! If not then surely how can I fight the harassment and the violations against women’s bodies?

My male friends are glorified for sharing their sexual escapades and their most exciting/non- exciting sexual experiences yet I will be tagged as loose, obnoxious, crazy etc. Growing up as girls we whispered to your best frined when you got your first kiss and did not speak about it much. The girls who shared their experience on hiding in corners with boys were always tagged as loose or from bad backgrounds.  Rumour had it that if a boy touched your breasts too much they would grow really big. Looking back I really pitied the girls who matured quickly because everyone assumed that she had her boos touched a lot! I am inspired to talk about my sexual rights as a young woman because I wouldn’t want girls to make the same kind of mistakes that I made.

It is sad that in this day and age in Kenya, parents, schools and the government are still not ready to embrace talking about and sexuality in all its simplicity and complexity openly, despite the alarming statistics on teenage pregnancy and the age at which teenagers are beginning to have sex. YWLI has been working closely with adolescent girls to address this issue through the Binti Project.

I believe the change will start with a conversation between two young women, then their friends, their children, their students until all women are sexually liberated. I meet with the girls within Binti weekly to discuss issues around their bodily integrity, reproductive health, relationships and challenges around adolescence. This has improved the confidence of the girls who live in a violent society where men usually make decisions on when they will marry a girl, if they will use condoms and if they will take the virginity of the girls regardless of how the girls feel. This is the case in many slum areas.

Through my experience with the girls, I have learnt that every day they must struggle with issues of early marriage, rape, sexual harassment and prostitution from a very early age. During the sessions the girls have been able to discuss the challenges they face at home and in their community in an empowered manner. On many occasions we even end up laughing about these challenges as we forge a way to deal with the various situations. The most important thing I must say is sharing and information. It has gone a long way to building the girls within the program.

Initially the girls would never talk about their breasts, their body parts and their reproductive organs. They shied away from touching or recognizing the importance of appreciating their bodies as they are. They were however easily able to point out some of the comments that the boys make in regard to their reproductive organs and bodies in general. With time the girls are able to declare their body parts, look at them and touch them without shying away. They also ask questions in regard to their bodies and their development. This I consider liberation of the girl child.

I think I would best end by sharing something I read on the internet:

“Human sexuality is not simply imposed by instinct or stereotypical conducts, as it happens in animals, but it is influenced both by superior mental activity and by social, cultural, educational and normative characteristics of those places where the subjects grow up and their personality develops. Consequently, the analysis of sexual sphere must be based on the convergence of several lines of development such as affectivity, emotions and relations. ” (The Author was not named)